


Take Note (Nota Bene)

by 27dragons, scribblywobblytimeylimey, tisfan



Series: Take Note [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Epistolary, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hate to Love, Love/Hate, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-23
Updated: 2014-06-28
Packaged: 2018-02-05 20:18:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 66
Words: 18,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1830988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/27dragons/pseuds/27dragons, https://archiveofourown.org/users/scribblywobblytimeylimey/pseuds/scribblywobblytimeylimey, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tisfan/pseuds/tisfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve’s an old-fashioned, pen-and-paper, take-accountability-for-what-you’ve-done sort of guy. So when he writes to Tony to apologize for the situation on the helicarrier, and insists on writing his every reply in ink on parchment, Steve ends up doing what he does best: forging a new tradition.</p><p>What follows is definitely not a series of love letters - until it definitely is.</p><p>NOTE: This story is incomplete and will not be completed based on losing one of our authors. Read at your own risk (so to speak)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alternating correspondences between Steve Rogers (scribblywobblytimeylimey) and Tony Stark (27dragons) in real time, with occasional side-notes from Natasha Romanov and Clint Barton (tisfan) which probably go unseen by Steve and Tony. This work on the AO3 is largely used as our inbox - our characters see each chapter as and when you do. Subscribe or check back whenever you remember; there may be a new reply. If there’s a delay, don’t worry - whichever character caused it will surely explain themselves in their next letter.

* * *

 

 

Dear Mr Stark,

I’m writing to apologize for my harsh words before the battle of New York. I spoke rashly and unfairly, basing my comments on hearsay and conjecture. I daresay it doesn’t matter what you are without your armor - you made it very clear that Iron Man deserves a place on this team.

That being said, you were also petty, arrogant, sly, and facetious. What does it matter if you’re a genius? Did it make you better than anyone else on board? I believe it was Dr Banner’s genius we relied on for the duration of the flight. And what about your money? I’ve never known a man who needed wealth to be a good person. As for your playboy reference - I don’t know what that has to do with anything, and refuse to consider it a combat credential.

Philanthropy’s all well and good, but throwing said money at the population can’t make up for one-on-one jibes. Ignoring, for the time being, the fact that I’d been dead to the world for seventy years, it was not only unwise but also unkind to focus on Dr Banner’s ailment. Preying on the weaknesses of others is not heroic.

I’m afraid I got rather ahead of myself there, but this is my last good sheet of paper, so I'll press on. In summary, I apologize for every unfounded comment I made. On the other hand, if you expect me to overlook the flaws you present to my face, you’ll be in for a rough ride.

I recognize that our detainee had a marked effect on all of us, and that it would be wrong of me to stick to my first impressions. I hope we can put this initial setback behind us for the sake of the team. Perhaps we could even begin training together, if that can remain level-headed.

 

Regards,  
Steve Rogers


	2. Chapter 2

**from:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** srogers@shield.gov  
 **subject:** Paper, really?

 

You can't tell me you don't know how to use your email, Rogers; I can see the daily traffic volume, though you can rest assured that (so far, anyway) I've been nice enough not to break the encryption on it. I suppose you decided that an apology warranted the personal touch, though I'd think you'd have figured out that the gesture was probably wasted on someone like me. Nice paper, though. High quality art stock, good weight. Since you said it was your last sheet, I've taken the liberty of having a couple of fresh packs delivered.

And on to the subject… If it makes you feel better, then fine. I accept your apology, such as it was. I'll even respond in kind; there were certainly some things I said that were unfounded and unfair. I was angry and on the defensive, and my mouth has always been just a bit faster than my brain, which is really saying something. So I'm sorry for that.

If I remember correctly, however, you didn't ask me to defend my worth or present my combat credentials. You asked what I was without the suit, and I answered. Does any of it make me better than any other person? Of course not. It's not that hard to find men worth ten of me, Captain; you're hardly the first to that revelation.

Neither are you the first to point out my flaws. I've been made constantly aware of them since I was about six years old, and trust me, Spangles, you've only begun to scratch the surface.

Though while we're talking about flaws, let's talk about _your_ arrogance for a moment, shall we? Let me say this as plainly as I can: you've got no business at all trying to slap my wrist for my treatment of Bruce. You know why the Hulk saved me? Because I didn't treat him like Bruce's dirty little secret or a goddamn _ailment_. If Bruce has a problem with the way I treat him, then he can talk to me about it and I will be more than happy to accommodate his wishes. But you don't get the right to speak for him until and unless he asks you to.

As for training together… I detect a subtle return to "put on the suit." I'm all for some training, Cap, since my boxing coach has taken a job elsewhere, but let's clear the air on this one right now: if my genius brain doesn't make me better than anyone else, then neither does you offering to punch everything that offends you into submission. So if you think you can keep it to training, instead of trying to prove some kind of point by putting your fist in my face, then consider yourself to have a standing invitation to drop by the Tower at any time.

 

Tony  
[sigblock]


	3. Chapter 3

Dear youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com (yes, _let’s_ talk about _my_ arrogance),

I know full well how to use my email, Stark; unfortunately, unlike your account, mine isn’t strictly mine. I prefer good old wood pulp passed from hand to hand, without the need for encryption. Besides, I can’t say I believe there’s such a thing as a wasted gesture; in that vein, thank you for the extra paper. I appreciate it.

None of this is for my own sake. I couldn’t care less about feeling better for what I said - and none of what I wrote in my letter was intended to put you down. On the contrary, Stark; if I call out the fact there are men worth ten of you, it’s because you could so easily be worth ten of them. You have so much potential - only some of which we saw in New York - so you’ll have to forgive me for getting frustrated if it isn’t always lived up to. If I scrutinize you, it’s because it’s what this team deserves: the best we can do, both individually and together.

I’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with criticism from a young age, but I hope you can agree this is different: the main difference being that we don’t want you to be anything you’re not, or anything more than what you are. While I’m aware that your relationship with your father is none of my business, and will refrain from broaching the topic again, I want you to know that you’re always welcome to bring it up. As it stands, and as one of the few people who has known you both as adults, I feel I’m more qualified than anyone - perhaps including the pair of you yourselves - to compare you. You are shaping the world for the better, Tony; you’ve more than lived up to expectations. Most importantly, you’re two very different people. As such, seeing you both side by side as two distinct people in my memories, it seems almost strange to hear comparisons. While some are unavoidable, I’m tempted to chime in with the differences almost every time. Anyway, I hope I haven’t ventured too far into rocky terrain with this; I just wanted you to know that you’re less like him than people say, and in a good way.

Re. Doctor Banner - let’s not get bogged down in semantics when it was only two days ago that Natasha was finally kind enough to tell me not to use the word ‘boner’ in certain contexts. Thank _you_ very much for picking up on that and letting me know before I had to go and make a fool of myself in a room full of Fury’s officials. I can’t claim to have mastered the nuances of 21st century English, but the least you could do is point it out without going on the offensive. I would hope that it’s clear, by now, that looking out for my team is among my highest priorities; I meant no offence to Bruce, and yet I have no doubt he himself views his condition as an affliction. Maybe I don’t have the right to speak for anyone else; but if they don’t stand up for themselves, for whatever reason, nothing you say is going to stop me from standing up and stopping them getting picked on.

As for my fists - perhaps I do rely on them too much, but I’m afraid you’ll have to forgive me again, there. They’re just about all I have, you see. Nevertheless, I’d like to use them to everyone’s benefit. I’d much prefer to teach you some of my moves than use them against you. I can stop by any time from now, as suits.

 

Regards,

Steve Rogers

 

P.S. Yes, “paper really”. I was hoping it wasn’t one of those things that seems to have gone out of fashion lately, like common courtesy and manners.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow us both on tumblr: [Steve](http://scribblywobblytimeylimey.tumblr.com) and [Tony](http://everyworldneedslove.tumblr.com).


	4. Chapter 4

**From:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **To:** srogers@shield.gov  
 **Subject:** The paper's going to be a thing, then.

It's not like I'm unaware of my arrogance, you know. In fact, I _own_ my arrogance; it's one of the pillars of my public image. You, on the other hand, somehow seem to have gulled everyone into thinking you're Mr. Sunshine and Apple Pie. It's a little disturbing to watch their eyes glaze over and accept you as a hopelessly guileless and earnest Boy Scout, because I have _seen_ your deadpan sass in action, outdated terminology and all.

(And when, exactly, was I supposed to hint you to more modern usages? I am a sarcasm _artist_ , Rogers, it would have been a crime to interrupt that brilliant bit of snarkery just because you made a few unfortunate word choices. Besides, I'm fairly certain that no matter how tactful I'd tried to be, you'd have taken offense, just because it's me. Some jobs are best left to those with better dodging skills than mine, especially when I'm not in the suit.)

I'm entirely too sober right now to address Dad, but congratulations, you're apparently unique in being the only person we've both met who thinks I compare favorably to him in any way. Though I have to say you're being inconsistent about it. How can you tell me I'm not living up to my potential, and then say I've exceeded expectations? Whose expectations are those, and what potential?

I like to think my actions speak louder than my words, Cap. You think there's more I can or should do, then tell me what it is you want from me. Simply shaking your head and telling me what I've already done isn't enough? What the hell do I do with that?

I'm pretty sure if Bruce was even half as offended by me as you are on his behalf, he'd have run off back to India by now instead of moving into the tower and taking over one of my research labs. Look at it this way: Back when you were a 4F for a list of reasons longer than my arm, you maybe thought of yourself as sick or damaged -- but you can't really tell me that you wanted everyone around you to think of you that way, too, did you? There's a benefit to having a friend or two who not only endure but embrace the parts of you that you despise.

Come over to the tower and visit. We'll see if my gym can hold up to your terrifying physique, and you can talk to Bruce, and we'll order something greasy and bad for us for dinner. You could probably stand to get out of SHIELD housing for a few hours anyway, right?

Tony  
[sigblock]

P.S. If you think Fury's not reading your handwritten correspondence just as closely as he watches your email, you may want to reconsider exactly what it means to work for an intelligence organization. I know that sounds like sarcasm, but I'm at least 74.3% serious. (I have some thoughts on how to get around it, but I'm not mentioning them here because, as previously mentioned, Fury is reading this and compulsively re-underlining certain character flaws in Romanov's writeup of my personality profile. We can discuss it when you come to the Tower for training. How to get around Fury, that is. We're not discussing my personality profile; if you want to see that, talk to Fury. I'm sure he'll be happy to share.)


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Tony,

I don’t like it. Arrogance is one thing - at least there’s something honest about it, even if it’s unpleasant. I wouldn’t mind so much if you were just arrogant. It’s the fact that it’s an act. And I resent the notion that my image is the same - what you see should be what you get, with me. And I’m definitely hopeless at “deadpan sass”; I mean, there’s something about saying ‘boner’ instead of ‘mistake’ that always seems to kill that…

(Seriously, Stark, if I start talking about reproductive organs when I don’t mean to, please tell me. And for the record, ‘when I don’t mean to’ is pretty much all the time.)

“Entirely too sober to address Dad” sounds like a good state to be in. Far be it from me to want to change that. I guess I’m biased, though; I never had Howard flying around, fixing the moving aircraft I was going down with. Just to clarify: if your father had intellectual and aspirational expectations for you, you’ve exceeded them. However, I have ambitions far loftier than the creation of clean energy; namely, the hope that someday, we can sit through a meeting without _somebody_ throwing blueberries at Barton’s head. Fanciful notions, maybe, but I like to think I’m kinder with the enforcement of them.

I suppose all I want from any of us is to be at our best. Thing is, there’s no shame in it if we’re not. The important thing is to ask for help if we need it. So, if you’re asking what you need to do, I’d say just keep that in mind. I’m not saying you need to come to me for help, though you are always welcome to do so; just that you should remember the options for outlets.

You have a point there, Stark. I’m not saying I’m about to change my ways, but I’m happy to get to know Dr Banner better, and for more than just the reasons than we’ve stated here. But for the love of all that is holy, could you promise you’ll at least _try_ not to “embrace” the Hulk in such a way that involves sharp sticks and dislocated limbs? Purely for my peace of mind.

You’re hilarious. Yes; I could stand to get out of SHIELD housing for a few years, to be honest. And if they’re reading this, they need to fix my window. No idea how to stop the damn thing leaking.

 

Regards,

Steve Rogers

P.S. Wonderful. Is nothing sacred? Well, I have nothing to hide; they’re in for a lot of boredom, though, which I will take great pleasure in evoking. Are you up for a series of emails consisting of nothing but repetitions of the word “blueberry”? There may or may not be a coded message within them. They’d have to quadruple check the whole document to be sure. Also, don’t worry: I’m infinitely more interested in personalities than personality profiles.

P.P.S. When was the last time you wrote a letter by hand? I’m not suggesting a permanent change, but it’s quite relaxing every once in a while. Not that you’re high-strung. I’m not sure why I’m bothering with this. You’ll only email anyway, won’t you?

P.P.P.S Make it pizza.


	6. Use key 52 RRR 12, blue for decryption

Clint, 

(see attached email and scanned copies)

Given that Stark and Rogers are both adults, I'm certain we can trust them to not break each other permanently, right? 

No? Me either.

Do me a favor, would you? Could you surreptitiously drop into Stark Towers and check the gym a few times. No, I'm not asking you to spy on them, just break up anything if they start throwing gym equipment at each other.

At least now you know where the blueberries are coming from.

Nat


	7. Chapter 7

STARKSHIELD ENCRYPTION KEY: 70D33912955824BDE817F30CE65232BCBE247DA8F19D4FAC58FC3F962F89391B

 **from:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** srogers@shield.gov  
 **subject:** Blueberry

Blueberry blueberry? Blueberry blueberry blueberry. Blue. Berry. Blueberry! BLUEBERRY, blueberry.

Christ, I've typed it so many times now that it doesn't even look like a real word anymore.

I hope you didn't lose that drive with the decryption password on it, otherwise this is going to look even more like gibberish than my usual emails. But that should keep Fury's fingers out of the email, anyway.

Was that, or was that not, the best pizza you've ever had in your life? Though if I knew how much of it you were going to eat, I might've ordered at least three more. How do you put it away that fast? Every time I turned around, there was another slice missing; it was like the stuff was disappearing into thin air.

You _say_ you're hopeless at deadpan sass, but then you pull shit like "It seems to run on some form of electricity," while I'm up to my elbows in superconducting coolant systems, for pity's sake. I thought I was going to have a heart attack and then have to come back up and do it myself. It was _brilliant_. Own your sass, Cap. Disingenuous boy scouts are boring.

1000% done talking about Dad until I have at least a fifth of a fifth in me. I'm not kidding about this one, Rogers, don't push me.

I will stop throwing blueberries at Barton when he stops catching them and eating them without even looking. That is _pure gold entertainment_ and you cannot ask me to give it up without offering something equally wonderful in its place.

It would take all the joy and spontaneity out of my relationship with Bruce if I can't risk a limb or two, but for the sake of your probably perfect blood pressure, I'll try to curtail it when you're around. No promises, though. Poking things with a sharp stick is a lifelong habit of mine. You may have noticed.

For God's sake, you're _Captain America_ and they can't even keep your apartment maintained properly? SHIELD has no sense of respect. (And coming from me, that should be a pretty low blow.) You know, the tower's repairs will be done in another week or two, and we've got lots of space. I could always set aside a room or two for you there. I'd even go so far as to make a little mailbox so you can continue to indulge in your antiquated communication fetish.

Tony  
[sigblock]

P. S. I hand-drew blueprints for the Mark I Iron Man armor while I was in a cave; does that count? I didn't find it all that relaxing, though.


	8. F(*@ your Fascist Military Encoding System

(found, folded into an elaborate origami bow, stuffed in the right, rear pocket of Natasha's second favorite pair of jeans)

N,

What the hell is this crap? Like I keep all those codes. Shit, R3? We haven't used that code since before you left the Union of Soviet Pains in my Assets.

Also, you know Fury knows about your email, right? And he knows that we know that he knows. Is he aware that I know that you know that he knows that we know? 

You know?

What was I saying?

Right, right. Gym.

I couldn't figure out if you wanted the full report or just my take on things, so I'll give you the full report, because who the hell wants to know what I think anyway.

In case it matters, the Cap showed up in his military-ish looking sweatpants and that brown shirt that's only three sizes too small. Really, the guy has enough pecs that he should wear a bra. Or a harness. Or something. I don't usually have body image issues, but this guy is enough to give anyone a fucking subscription.

Do you think Tony waxes his chest? Because he has like huge, hairy pits, but his chest is just as smooth as a baby's butt. I know because he wore this really light sleeveless thing, and then he sweated a lot. Which was kind of impressive, given that they were barely fucking poking each other.

What the fuck kinda workout was that? Next time, maybe they'll have a knitting competition. About the only thing good about it was they didn't put each other through the walls. 

Also, they got pizza from the Speedy Romeo. Work your emotional manipulating thing and make sure they don't get those damn banana pepper slices on it next time, because gross! I mean, I still had a few pieces, because really, neither of them needs to eat that much pizza. And no, shut up, they didn't see me, but if you find those banana peppers in the air ducts, that's why. Knowing you, I should go clean em out, because they'll probably start to smell in a few days.

But it was all nice and polite, so I didn't have to talk to them. They didn't say anything interesting. At all. 

Next time, you get to do the boring jobs, okay?

Okay.

-C


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Tony,

 _You_ can talk. I thought exactly the same thing - how are you so small? And don’t go telling me that everything looks small when viewed past the horizon of my massive pecs, because I had just about enough of that yesterday, thank you very much. Speaking of which, thank you for the invitation; I’ll admit the pizza was great. You should definitely never stop ordering the banana stuff.

By the way, I can’t stop being boring. In fact, I _own_ my boringness; it's one of the pillars of my public image. Besides, aren’t I doing you a favor by boring Fury’s eyes and ears to sleep while they’re watching over us? I should start charging.

You’re right; my skills are nothing compared to Barton’s. As I’m sure Fury would take notice if I started bringing up the shield to deflect guavas, I have no suitable replacement offer. I guess I should be pleased you’re more entertained watching him catch them than turning the back of someone’s head into a Monet circa 1870.

I can’t help but think Bruce would feel a lot more joy and spontaneity if you weren’t playing a constant Russian roulette with your limbs, but that could be the inner boy scout talking. You’ll be happy to know I am placated by this. For now.

They do keep trying to fix it, actually; but it’s probably the third most stubborn thing I’ve ever encountered. It’s almost like somebody’s keeping it broken just to keep me on my guard. Don’t they know I already sleep with one eye open these days? Guess I’ll have to crank that up to 1.5…

Only you could refer to letter-writing as an “antiquated communication fetish”. I shudder to know what you think of my other habits. 

This is a lot more than I was expecting. Are you sure it’s not too much trouble? I expect you’ll agree that it is, which will be fine. I can get by on my own.

Now, most importantly - we didn’t actually get to practice as much as I’d hoped. Your facilities are admittedly excellent, so if ever it’s free and you’d like to work on holds and throws…well, it’s likely all I’d be doing without you, anyway. I’m aware I can’t be much help to you aside from this, but this isn’t any trouble to me.

I just remembered - we joked about Barton’s pestering you for movie night in the shiny tower. I know he was kidding, but if it actually happens, do I get an invite? People keep referencing things, and I’m sat there singing Follow The Yellow Brick Road in my head, reliving my only successful experience in the matter.

 

Regards,

Steve Rogers.

P.S. Don’t pull that one on me, you cad. You know how it would look if I tried that? “Oh, I used to write letters to my loved ones. Then I died. Then they died. We all DIED. Woe is me. Put me off for life.” Irrelevant. Pick up a pen once in a while. They’re actually still in circulation.

 


	10. Chapter 10

STARKSHIELD ENCRYPTION KEY: D2ROMANOVIKNOWYOUREREADINGTHISYOUARENOTASSMOOTHASYOUTHINK22AB258

 **from:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** srogers@shield.gov  
 **subject:** Such a troll

I know, those banana peppers are fantastic, aren't they? Best pizza in the city. I'm going to overlook that "small" comment just this once, and if you want me to stop commenting on your chest then you're going to need to buy some shirts that actually fit you, because Jesus.

You own your boring by _quoting my own snark back to me_? I'm going to break into Fury's office just so I can replace your personality profile with the sentence, "Steven Rogers is a trolling sassmonster and a menace." I give up; you win.

I'm lying; I never give up.

I'm curious to know what the first and second most stubborn things you've ever encountered were, and whether you're including yourself on that list.

A window that mysteriously keeps getting broken? Someone's watching you sleep. I don't know whether to be offended on your behalf or a little jealous.

Rogers, you do _not_ get to lecture me on learning to ask for help and then pull shit like "I can get by on my own." What the hell? If we're a team, then act like it and stop being such a damn martyr. "Too much trouble" my ass. What's going to be _trouble_ is when the rest of the team moves in. I bet Barton's the kind of guy who leaves his wet towels on the floor, and Romanov probably has all kinds of weird dietary requirements. And I bet you five bucks Thor's the kind of cheerful morning person who likes to sing at the top of his lungs while the rest of us are still crawling toward the coffee. Ug.

You're not only invited to movie night, you're required to attend. Cultural reconditioning so you can properly sass Fury's team without any more embarrassing boners.

Tony  
[sigblock]

P.S. I didn't say that was _why_ I don't hand-write, you sassmonster. Just that it was the last time. I'll give it some consideration. Save it up for a special occasion.


	11. You Obviously Love Owls

(outside Steve's door, in a two story avian cage, sits a small, but vaguely demonic-looking owl)

On the top of the cage is a bow (that has been pecked into tatters by the owl, who still has some stringy red bits hanging out of its beak... ) and a handwritten letter

Dear Captain America,

Discovered this little guy trying to shelter on your ledge last night. He might be what's causing your difficulties with the window. I'm no veterinarian, but he appears to be having some difficulty with flight. Might have something to do with the missing tail feathers. 

I wasn't certain what you wanted to do with him, so I'm leaving him here for you. Normal procedures would probably put him to sleep, or if someone was feeling particularly charitable, they'd take him out to the country, let him go, and he'd die there. Neither seemed like a good option, or ones that you'd approve of.

Clint

PS – He seems to like blueberries. I had some extra that managed to get stuck in the back of my shirt collar. Not sure how that happened.


	12. Chapter 12

Dear Tony,

You’re really tempting fate with the codes, there. And I’m pretty sure they don’t make shirts that fit me; I mean, there’s S, there’s S/M, but there’s no SSS for Serum-enhanced Super-Soldier. It’s problematic. I look ridiculous, I know.

A word to the wise - telling Romanov you know she’s reading this, then beginning a sentence with “I'm going to break into Fury's office”? Probably not the best idea you’ve had. I still don’t know how well they take jokes. Actually, more on that in just a moment…

I’m sure you are curious; and you’re damn right I’m in the top two.

Jealous? You’re not turning into Coulson #2? I’m not signing any collectible memorabilia for you. It’s just too weird.

Fine - I guess if it’s a team thing, it would make no sense not to - if only to help with the handling. I’m hardly suffering out here, though. I don’t know how I keep getting labeled a martyr. Also, I have it on good authority that Thor’s the kind of cheerful morning person who throws empty mugs on the floor, so, good luck with that.

(That’s more than enough of the boners, wise guy.)

 

Regards,

Steve Rogers

P.S. That was what I was going to say - Barton got me an owl. Or left me an owl. Literally, I now own an owl. I have no idea what to make of it. He says it was behind the window problem. How did he know about the window problem? Actually, I may as well ask him directly myself. Barton, how did you know about the window problem?

And I’ve answered my own question.

I don’t like this feeling we’re being watched, but I’m sure we’ll figure something out. Or maybe they’ll eventually realize all of our conversations revolve around pizza and give up.

Anyway, the owl - owls are omens of death. You don’t think it was some sort of initiation-level threat? Then again, he heavily implied the bird would die if I didn’t take it under my wing, so to speak. So maybe he was threatening the bird. I don’t understand the 21st century. It has something wrong with its tail feathers - maybe you could look at it? Or is that a ridiculous notion? We could have an Iron Owl as the team mascot.

 


	13. Chapter 13

STARKSHIELD ENCRYPTION KEY: BF80EE76D34800AC14B0C55A0EA2F67938ECBF89C04ADA8A1E778B61D621A957

 **from:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** srogers@shield.gov  
 **subject:** Owl be there

Don't worry about the codes. I didn't actually change the encryption algorithm, so Natasha will know it's okay for her to keep snooping. It's one of those "I know that you know that I know" things, the spy equivalent of dogs sniffing each others' behinds.

…Ignore that mental image.

But now I really need to see you in an S/M shirt.

…Ignore that mental image, too.

I'm not actually going to break into Fury's office, Christ, Steve. I am not actually a spy, I do not do _stealth_. And while Fury probably doesn't do jokes, I'm relatively certain Clint can explain it to him, if he uses small enough words.

(Coulson would've got all the jokes, though he would've pretended not to find them funny. I kind of miss his casual taser threats and random compromising of my security systems. But Jesus, no, I am not going to be your fanboy. How pathetic would that be? Even if I was, I've got a whole storage unit full of-- Nope, never mind, that probably needs alcohol to deal with, too, for you as much as me, and rumor has it you can't get drunk. Hey, I wonder if Bruce would find that an appealing project…)

Who else is in your top two, then? You're killing me with curiosity, here, Steve. Curiosity and sex. America gets the hero she deserves, I suppose.

Yes! I have convinced you to move in! Unbreakable dishware for Thor, noted. Tell the Assexin Twins if you run into them at SHIELD HQ, so it's all official and stuff and they can keep pretending they haven't been reading our correspondence. Construction is done, or close enough to done -- you can move in next week and we can start sexing each other on a daily basis. And we won't have to worry anymore about nameless entities watching us, because JARVIS _has_ a name, and also he's much more polite than Fury.

An owl? An owl was behind your mysterious window problems? I am strangely disappointed. I have no idea what Clint was thinking, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't trying to threaten you. I suspect he's just got a soft spot for birds. What the hell would I know about fixing an owl's tail? Take it to a veterinarian or something. Or -- wait, okay, JARVIS just gave me a list of wild-animal experts in the area; see the attached list and call one of them.

 _Iron Owl_? Was that supposed to be funny? It's _your_ weird pet, it can be Captain Americowl . You can get a whole bunch of them and call them the Hooting Commandos.

See you next week for move-in, sexmonster.

Tony  
[sigblock]

 **attachment:** wildlife_doctors.doc


	14. Chapter 14

Dear Tony,

I’ve been squinting at the screen for a while now, and after I was finally sure that last line read “sexmonster”, I think I spotted what was going on - though you should be glad you used the word assassin, too. I don’t think the others took kindly to the behind-sniffing remark; or is it possible that there are computer bugs that do this? Replace words? They almost couldn’t have picked a funnier one to choose than "sass"; they've clearly been taking note. Now, there’s a nickname I haven’t had before. I can’t help but smugly think that 1.) this is another argument in favor of letters, and 2.) karma for the boner thing.

I don’t understand the significance of a size S/M shirt?

If you and Bruce are about to conspire to get me drunk, you’ve just officially un-convinced me from moving in. And, golly, I didn’t see this sentence when I first read your email…sexing each other on a daily basis? Either Natasha is rolling on the floor, crying with laughter, or you and Bruce are already experimenting with super-strength alcohol. First I acquire an owl, and now I’m the sexmonster. I don’t know what to make of this week.

I’ll be sure to let the others know I’m moving in. If _they_ refer to me as sexmonster, though, this whole deal is off and I’m never speaking to any of you people again. You don’t even want to know how confused I was before I figured out all the words had switched.

Is this your way of saying I can keep the owl? Because I’m really quite attached to it already. Also, I thought you said you never give up? Come on…if you can make Tony Stark fly, surely you could do something for this little guy? It would be like Pimp My Ride, only with an owl. What an awful show. JARVIS sure sounds handy.

That’s just about the worst thing I’ve ever heard. You can rest assured I won’t be getting myself a flock of owls, if only to avoid that terrible moniker. I guess I deserve the sexmonster title far more than you do.

 

See you soon,  
Regards,

Steve Rogers


	15. How Do you Eat HALF a candy bar?

(found in the left front pocket of Natasha's third favorite pair of jeans, this time folded into a little heart)

Found this rummaging through the trash. Thought you might want to look at it. Also, what is wrong with him? Is he just trying all the new candy bars on for size? There ~~are~~ were seven half-eaten candy bars in his desk drawer.

-C

Dear Tony,

 ~~I don’t understand your~~ ~~What’s going on with this email?~~ ~~Do you~~ ~~Is this some sort of computer thing I don’t understand?~~ ~~I don’t get the referen~~ ~~I don’t get the joke~~ ~~Is this a joke?~~   ~~Why am I sexmonster~~ ~~I don’t know what’s goin~~

…Oh. I see it now. Assexin twins. I hope they’re pleased with themselves.

You know what, I’m just going to rewrite this whole letter…


	16. Chapter 16

STARKSHIELD ENCRYPTION KEY: 7757DF010C2B20B01A0D1B2A167FFB005742243291FA0906750A4994E30F02F4

 **from:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** srogers@shield.gov  
 **subject:** Romanov's revenge

I. Am going. To kill. Natasha.

Okay, not really, because she is terrifying. But I will get my revenge in some suitable way later. When she least expects it.

I'm only relieved that you figured out what happened because otherwise I'm pretty sure you'd have either stopped talking to me entirely or punched me in the face. I would apologize (really!) except that it was (and I cannot stress this enough) _entirely Natasha's fault_. She even left her digital fingerprints all over the virus she infected my system with so I would know when I rooted it out. (You were right, I should have feared her retribution. I can admit that now. Be proud of me: I've grown.)

Natasha has won the troll-crown from you now, officially. Sorry, Steve, it's a done deal.

Don't worry, you're still the sassmonster. But despite the number of times you seem to have felt compelled to mention it in your letter, I think I'm going to keep the sexmonster title for myself, at least for a little while longer.

Which segues perfectly into your question about the S/M shirt, but if SHIELD didn't include that in the "Sex in the 21st Century" brief I'm sure they put together for you, I'm terribly disappointed, but I'm going to have to direct you to Google, because I don't have time to explain it all right now.

You're already attached to the owl? What do I even do with you? Fine, yes, you can keep it. I'm not cleaning up after it, though! And while I'm intrigued by the challenge of manufacturing an actual feather that would sync with a bird's body well enough to-- No. No, no, no, I am not making prosthetic feathers for your pet owl. At least not until after you've taken it to an actual vet to make sure there's nothing that modern medicine can't do for it.

What even possessed you to even try to watch _Pimp My Ride_? There's nothing in that title that could possibly appeal to you. ...Is there?

I'm not sure I even want an answer to that question.

You're still moving in tomorrow, right? Your mailbox is all ready for you, and Bruce shot me down on the alcohol. I can't promise Natasha and Clint will keep their mouths shut about that last mail, but if you give them your Captain America Is Disappointed In You face, that should do the trick, right?

Tony  
[sigblock]


	17. Chapter 17

Dear Tony,

Sorry I didn’t get to reply before moving in - I tried with a pen in my mouth and the boxes in my hands, but it wasn’t working out for me.

I want to thank you for the warm welcome as I christen the little mailbox on your door. It was nice for everyone to have a meal together while…well, clean. And dressed in civvies.

I’m very glad you didn’t kill Natasha. She’s hilarious. She did this thing where, when you left the room, she’d repeat things you’d said, but in a Russian accent. It was much funnier than it sounds. I guess you’d have to be there. Shame you couldn’t be. Don’t tell her I told you so. But it was funny. (If they start reading things from this mailbox, I’ll be having words.)

You’re right; we’ve both grown, and yet she has far exceeded us. All bow down to Natasha. And Bruce. I like their sense of humor; Clint’s seems very juvenile. At least, I assume so. I think I’m missing some slang again; nobody seemed to want to meet my eye after half of his jokes, so I’m none the wiser. Still, it was great to have him around for Errol (yes, I decided on a name. And I’m definitely keeping him. He’s adorable. And yes, I’ve been reading Harry Potter. _So many things_ make sense now. But does Snape really kill Dumbledore? Don’t answer that.) He reminds me a bit of you; very scruffy-looking and frequently grumpy. That was a joke.

I guess all of this leads up to the fact I should probably start using Google more. I’m sure you understand my trepidation. How secure is the internet in the tower? Am I going to end up horribly embarrassed when the others hack in and see - whatever it is I’m supposed to be looking up? And I’m including you in “others”. If there’s no privacy, I’m not using the internet - period.

Oh, regarding Errol - I called up a couple of the names on your list, and they told me his tail feathers won’t grow back in; they basically said the chances of him flying again were virtually zero. This is only a problem if you don’t mind watching adults hug an owl (he’s very huggable). If you gave him the option to fly away, though, I doubt any of us would be subjected to that on a regular basis.

So, there was that one point during dinner where Clint asked if he could finish my potatoes, and I said “No”, and he said “You monster,” then looked at Natasha. Am I reading too much into that? I probably am. I just get the horrible feeling they’re biding their time. Anyway, I’m just looking at pictures of owls until I know it’s safe to venture onto that urban dictionary Bruce mentioned. I’m going to send you a quick email once I’ve dropped this off.

 

Regards,

Steve

* * *

 

**from:** [srogers@shield.gov](mailto:srogers@shield.gov)

**to:** [youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com](mailto:youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com)

**subject:** you have mail

Also, don’t you think this looks like Errol? This one’s just a little bit shorter and rounder. Got the sassy expression down, though. <http://i.imgur.com/9dOZZey.jpg> I could imagine him being a potty mouth.

-SR

 


	18. Chapter 18

STARKSHIELD ENCRYPTION KEY: 61FE7EEAD90F9343F6A3B76C58DFAAFFC47D9641701FAA535C2878EA21848905

 **from:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** srogers@shield.gov  
 **subject:** Private parts

Okay, I know you're just sassing me with that comment about the pen in your mouth while you're lugging boxes around, but that sounds even more entertaining than Clint catching blueberries during meetings.

Dinner was nice, actually, though about as relaxing as taking a meal in the middle of a juggling troupe. Yes, Clint's jokes are a little risque. Okay, a lot. And more than a bit childish. (Also, pretty funny, actually, once you resign yourself to the sophistication of a 12-year-old.) I leave it to your judgment whether you want to look them up in the privacy of your room after dinner, or just continue to avoid looking at everyone.

Speaking of privacy... Relax, Steve. Really. Your mailbox is sealed with your thumbprint -- on top of the rest of the physical security surrounding the tower -- and Starkshield encryption is top of the line. No system is completely impregnible, but these are pretty close. The fact that Natasha can run down the encryption is one of the reasons she's such a high-ranked agent. Most of Fury's other goons won't be able to touch it. And she seems to actually like you. If anything, she's monitoring our mail because she's looking for another excuse to stab me in the neck. (That was a joke. Sort of.) If you can trust Natasha not to embarrass you without good reason, then I think you can assume no one else is watching. If it'd make you feel better, you can have a starkindustries address, too; that'll keep the emails off SHIELD's servers, and would allow for another couple of layers of security here.

If you want privacy for internet browsing, just tell JARVIS. He knows about security; he'll wipe your browser history in realtime, watch for and foil keyloggers, bounce your data requests through anonymizers, and a few other tricks that I won't even mention. As I said, there's no such thing as _perfect_ security, but this is pretty close. Even I would have trouble getting around JARVIS -- and I promise not to try, okay?

Are you seriously trying to trick me into making tailfeathers for your damn owl by promising it will get him out of my hair? Only you would be charmed by sass. (He's adorable and reminds you of me? Are you calling me adorable, Rogers?)

On the other hand, you're actually reading a good book instead of those terrible histories I saw you putting on your shelves. I will reward you by looking into it. There's only so much time I can spare for the project, of course, but we'll see what I can do. I'll do some extra reading up on biomechanical engineering and aerodynamics and see what's already been done in that arena. I'm pretty sure I remember Rhodey telling me about an Army project a while back that might bear some fruit if I can get my hands on the information.

Tony  
[sigblock]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Companion (non-letter) piece to this (and Chapter 19): [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1845670/chapters/3968893).


	19. Chapter 19

Dear Tony,

I aim to entertain.

I wanted to settle in before letting you know how great my rooms are. So far, no springs have broken free from the mattress and the water is always hot, so I think it’s safe to say that the bed and facilities are ten times better that anything I’ve experienced before. I hope to see you for another meal again soon (Natasha is running out of material).

So, thank you for the rooms, and thank you for the reassurance. I think it actually worked, which is no mean feat. However, I want to go on record as saying the internet is terrifying. I may not be using it all that much; though it would be a crying shame to miss out on Hawkeye’s arrow-sharp wit, ignorance seems to be bliss in this scenario.

Also: there will be no neck-stabbing on my watch.

And a Stark Industries address could be good, actually. But if you make it something like capsicle@starkindustries, I’ll stop talking to you.

As for the owl - at this stage, I’m less worried about getting him out of your hair, and more about Thor going all Lennie Small on him. (Guess what I read last night?) Like I say, he is huggable. This meshes with Norse deities about as well as you’d imagine. Also, Thor seems to consider him a spirit animal/comrade. I think he wants to give him alcohol. My hair will have turned grey by Thursday.

Adorable? Errol? You? Not sure that was the comparison I was making, Stark - still, I suppose there is a certain quality of things that are little enough to put away in a cage. Or maybe I’m equating a subconscious desire to tie you up. It would keep you out of trouble, at least.

 

Regards,

Steve

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Companion (non-letter) piece to this (and Chapter 18): [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1845670/chapters/3968893).  
> Companion (non-letter) piece to this (and Chapter 20): [Between the Lines](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1845670/chapters/3968326).


	20. Chapter 20

**from:** srogers@shield.gov

 **to:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com

 **CC:** Does SHIELD really even need this column

 **Subject:** Okay, I’ll admit it - I still don’t really know what an encryption code is

 

Dear Tony,

I feel like I made a typographical error in the letter I just dropped off for you. I meant to write “lock you up”. I can’t remember if I wrote that or not. If I didn’t: it’s meant to say “lock you up”.

That’s all. Back to the pen and paper; I feel unclean.

 

Regards,

Steve

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Companion (non-letter) piece to this (and Chapter 19): [Between the Lines](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1845670/chapters/3968326).


	21. Owls do not need bondage gear

(security video from Stark Towers: 18:51 Floor 43, Quarters, Natasha Romanov)

(transcription to follow video)

Agent Barton arguing with Agent Romanov outside doorway.

Agent Romanov cuts off tirade with a kiss.

Barton lets slip several sheets of printer paper. Reference: photographic evidence left outside door, see attached.

JARVIS regrets to report that further transcription unavailable. Security downgraded inside personal quarters on orders.

**Transcription:**

\- No way, Nat, absolutely not. The man's been on ice for 70 years, I understand that, but there's no way in hell... no, not even for coffee, and no, not even for that. No. The man masturbates more than any three people ought to. You want to spy on him - 

\- All right, shhhh. It's fine. I'll watch Cap jerk off if you don't want to. Might be fun.

\- And he is waaaay more interested in bondage gear than makes me happy knowing about.

\- Really?

**Transcription ends.**

 

**Recovery of browsing history, series of spy-camera photos, taken from over and to the left of Captain America's shoulder, probably from the ventilation system.**

What do the letters 'S' and 'M' have to do with sex?

But what is an s&m shirt

s&m clothing

bondage gear

bdsm equipment

why is the internet so strange

why do people make furniture for sex

do people actually enjoy being tied up

there’s no way this many people want to be tied up

how to report disturbing and inappropriate wikihow articles

how to use google images

bondage

do only women engage in bondage

do men get tied up [101 things to do with a tied up guy]

how to clear internet browser history

owl treats

how should you bathe an owl

housewarming gifts for the man who has everything

can you buy coats for owls

End photographic evidence.

**Purge Security Feed? Y/N**


	22. Chapter 22

**from:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** srogers@shield.gov  
 **subject:** Private parts

The internet isn't all bad. Surely you've found pictures of adorable and fluffy kittens to soothe your troubled mind. And even the bad parts are a _little_ fun, don't you think?

I'm not sure even you could be fast enough to stop Natasha if she decided to stab me in the neck again. Though to be _perfectly_ fair, the last time she stabbed me in the neck, it saved my life. I'd just like to go on record as saying that I feel she enjoyed the "stabbing" portion of that mission somewhat more than the "saving Tony's life" portion.

...part of me really, _really_ wants to pick up that little Freudian slip of yours and run, Rogers, but for the sake of your delicate feelings (and also my delicate nose, which does not enjoy being punched) I will bite my tongue, very, very hard, and refrain. But I think you should be informed that it was probably the third hardest thing I've done this week. You may feel free to shower me with the praise I so richly deserve for my fortitude.

I'm not sure wanting to put me in a cage is any better than wanting to tie me up, by the way. At least wanting to tie me up might be flattering, from the right perspective... And neither one is likely to keep me out of trouble.

Also, enough with the short jokes. It's enough I have to walk around all the time with you and Thor towering over me, it's not like I don't _realize_ you're taller than me, I get it.

Email, can-do. I've built you an account ( _not_ capsicle, I swear) with all the automated cycling-algorithm encryption you could desire. Just click on  this link and it will get it all set up for you. The link will only work once, so no one else will be able to ride in.

Tony  
[sigblock]

\---

_On clicking the link:_

**Establishing new account. Please wait...**  
 **Enter display name:** Steve Rogers  
 **Enter new password:** **************  
 **Re-enter new password:** **************  
 **Please wait...**  
 **Creating signature key...**  
 **Creating primary encryption keypair...**  
 **Creating secondary encryption keypair...**  
 **Establishing ephemeral key algorithms...**  
 **Building Starkshield algorithm cycle...**  
 **Is this your primary workstation for this account?** Y  
 **Will this be your primary email account on this workstation?** Y  
 **Please wait...**  
 **Registering account with mail server...**  
 **Setting account privacy to MAXIMUM (view Settings to change)...**  
 **Setting up account forwarding...**  
 **Creating contacts list...**  
   youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com **added to contacts.**  
 **Contacts list complete.**  
 **Congratulations, account** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com **has been created!**


	23. NO

**from:** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** NO

TONY STARK I AM NOT USING THIS AS MY EMAIL ADDRESS. NO.

MAKE ME A DIFFERENT ACCOUNT. NOW.

 

Regards,  
Steve

 

 

P.S. <http://ct.fra.bz/il/fz/se/i55/2/11/19/f_4e377e8bf5.jpg>


	24. Chapter 24

Dear Tony,

You are absolutely incorrigible and infuriating and you make my life ten times harder than it has any right to be. This coming from _Captain America._

It’s all terrifying. Based on what little I’ve seen, there are probably places where adorable and fluffy kittens are part of the bad parts. That’s something I never want to witness. Still, perhaps I’m just viewing the world from my conservative, “srogers” perspective. Maybe I just need to be a little more “starspangledsexmonster”.

Seriously, Tony? What the owl feed were you thinking?! I’m currently praying this was someone’s idea of a joke. Another word-replacement fandango.

Still, thank you for refraining. I’m curious as to what the top two hardest things were.

~~And d~~ Okay, refrain harder. That’s enough. No praise for you.

I’m going to go for a walk. I won’t be back for dinner. When I get back, I’d better be Steve Rogers again. I hope you can tell how loudly I’ve been muttering darkly the whole time I’ve been writing this.

 

Regards,  
Steve

 

P.S. Where do we get things delivered here? Do our rooms all have their own addresses? I want to order some supplies for Errol.


	25. Chapter 25

**from:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** Re: NO

Since I'm literally the ONLY PERSON ON YOUR CONTACT LIST... No.

Hugs and kisses,  
Tony


	26. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

(Along the path of Steve's walk - or should we say "stalk" since he's walking quickly, shaking his head and gesticulating wildly at nothing.)

A homeless man, wearing a brand-new coat, holds a sign that says "Will work for ~~food~~ Starspangledsexmonster"

When questioned, it is discovered that he has no idea who altered his sign. Or where the coat came from.


	27. Chapter 27

**from:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** Incorriging.

If you didn't already know I was incorrigible and infuriating, there's really no hope for you.

There are _absolutely_ adorable and fluffy kittens in the bad parts. You can have JARVIS turn on Safe Search for you if you're really that traumatized. (It is _not_ coming from Captain America. Captain America traveled with showgirls and then went to war against Nazis and Hydra, for godsake; Captain America is not this thrown by anything as easily avoidable as naughty pictures. This, my dear man, is coming from _Steve Rogers_.)

The hardest thing was convincing Rhodey to give me his password. The second-hardest thing… maybe I'll tell you if you tell me what the other most-stubborn thing on your list was.

I am in my workshop, where I have been for… apparently about 14 hours, now, and therefore cannot hear you muttering from several dozen stories away.

Tell JARVIS to order whatever you need, it'll find its way to your apartment. Or if you're out and about, just give the tower address and have them put "ATTN: Steve Rogers" on it.

Tony  
[sigblock]


	28. I've Traumatized Captain Fucking America?

(shipped to a drop-box in Uganda, along with a bottle of cheap wine)

Nat

Okay, I fucked up.

shut up.

He is really peeved off. Not my fault. He was yelling at Stark? so loud that I heard him in the hall... no, you probably don't want to know what I did, but I thought it was funny. Right up until I traumatized fucking Captain America.

and now they're not speaking to each other. Awkwardly. 

I broke Captain America. Only I could manage to fuck up that badly.

Help.

get back here from that mission and HELP ME.

-Clint


	29. Chapter 29

**from:** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** look at this owl

<http://www.awwomg.com/wp-content/uploads/pin52d692b2491e3.jpg>


	30. Chapter 30

**from:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** Re: look at this owl

That's actually pretty cute.

Does this mean you're keeping the email? And talking to me again?

Tony  
[sigblock]


	31. Chapter 31

**from:** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** Re: look at this owl

[http://cuteoverload.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/1743749_10153857233735593_74271067_n.jpg?w=560&h=393](http://cuteoverload.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/1743749_10153857233735593_74271067_n.jpg?w=560&h=393)


	32. Can't believe you dragged me back from Uganda for this SHIT, Rogers

(Post-it Note on Cap's door)

Get better soundproofing on your walls

-N


	33. Chapter 33

Dear Tony,

I may have been overreacting. I believe you about the sign; you’re not that quick a worker. And I apologize for rectifying the muttering situation by shouting so loudly you could have heard me several dozen storeys away, while I was standing right next to you.

By the way, we have Thor to thank for this letter. He told me what’s been going on with him lately - and I don’t feel bad relaying it, since he insisted there should be no secrets on the team - and it turns out his girlfriend got possessed, his mother was murdered, and then his brother died, too. As far as we’re all aware. It kind of put things into perspective.

(And I just got a knock on my door with a not-so-anonymous tip-off. Those assassin twins. Alright, I definitely believe you about the sign.)

The most amazing thing about Thor, though? His reaction to all of this was that we should “eat, drink, and be merry” in the face of “adverse scenarios”. Can you believe this guy? He’s definitely what you folks call a ‘party animal’.

Since it looks like Nat’s back, I guess we’ll all be at dinner together again tonight. First time since moving in!

Once again - sorry for acting like a Star-Spangled Sulkmonster.

 

Regards,

Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In our timeline, as will become clear, Thor: The Dark World took place just before the events of Iron Man 3. That's the only change.


	34. Pansy-assed Assassin

(Post-it Note to Clint, on his door.)

God, you're such a pansy-assed assassin, Clint.

-N


	35. Chapter 35

**from:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** [None given]

Apology accepted, sassmonster. Christ, thought you were gonna hold that grudge f'rever. Make Fury kick me off the team again...

Can't see the screen. JARV, are you sure you're transcribing like I said? Okay. Okay.

Fuck, haven't been this sloshed since... dunno when. Shut up, JARV, didn't ask you. Talkin' to Steve now.

Steve. Steve, fuck, don't do that to me again, 'kay? Rather you'd just come down and punched me in the face. Broken nose heals faster'n that grudge of yours. Shoulders like yours can carry a pretty big chip, heh?

I'm sorry too. Not the sign, that was totally Barton being a fucking twelve-year-old. But the account name. Didn't think it'd piss you off that bad. Just trying to joke around, right? Little inside joke an' all, just between the two of us. Should tell you what I made Rhodey's account name, 'cept I promised I'd never tell. They're all stupid asshole account names. 'Cept Pep's. Didn't trust her enough when she started working here to give her an asshole account. Should pro'ly give her one now, yeah?

...Delete that last bit, JARV, Pep won't want Steve t'know her asshole account name. She's gonna hate it. [laughter]

Dinner was good. What was that stuff Thor brought, anyway? Pretty damn tasty, but it kicked like a mule. Not that you'd know, right, Stevie? Next time we gotta open Thor's bottle _first_. Fuckin' Thor... Can't blame 'im for needing to let loose a bit, though, Christ. Glad Jane's okay, she's smart. B'tween you an' me an' the lamppost, I'm not too sad 'bout Loki. Fucker threw me through a window. Good thing JARV caught me. Right, JARV? Right. That shit in London, though? Looked pretty bad.

An' his mom, shit. 'Member when my mom died.

Her an' Dad, both. Was easy to mourn Mom, though. She was. She was good. Pretty an' young... Younger than I am now. Huh. Sang really nice. Traveled a lot, but that was... When you're a Stark, you know. Not sure she knew that when she married 'im, but she was good. Sad she was gone. Just sad.

More confused about Dad, y'know? You knew Dad, Steve, was he always kind of an asshole? I mean. I'm an asshole. But Dad, fuckin' _Dad_. You tried t'tell me I lived up to his expectations once, Steve, 'member? Don't think you were right about that. He always had one up on me. Even after he was gone. He's th'one invented the element that powers my arc reactor, did Fury tell you that? He didn't _make_ it. Equipment wasn't... wasn't ready, then. But he had it figured out, back when I was still... still just building computers practically no better than fuckin' _kits_.

Gonna... Okay, this's prob'ly gonna piss you off again, but you know, in fucked-up-Asgardian-liquor _veritas_ , or somethin', right, Steve? I'm glad he never found you.

Goddamn expeditions out to the Arctic circle every year or so, tryin' to find you. Dunno why, everyone figured you were, y'know. Dead. Capsicle never occurred to anyone, don't think. But he was so hell-bent on finding you. Dunno what he was gonna do with you if he found you. Stick you back in the Vita-Ray chamber? Maybe just stand you up in the middle of his stupid collection? Never knew. Didn't ask.

Didn't wanna know, right? Way he acted, you were either his long-lost lover or his... his fuckin' _magnum opus_. Didn't wanna know whether it was Mom or me he was... was betraying, still chasing after you. You know? Maybe not.

But I'll tell you this, Stevie. His goddamn _expectations_ for me? Looked a lot more like Captain America than, than fucking Iron Man. Glad he never got to stand the two of us side by side, even if it meant you had to spend so much longer in the ice, Steve. Not sure that would've...

Dad was complicated. Just leave it at that, right? Mom was easier. Mourned her. Missed her. Hardly hurts anymore.

Thor needed a stiff one, for sure.

Huh-what? Did I doze off for a bit there, JARV? Uh. Okay. Gonna. Gonna just take a nap here on the couch for a while. Tell DUM-E to bring me a blanket. You. You, um, wrap up whatever we were working on and get it out the door.


	36. Chapter 36

Dear Tony,

I don’t know where to begin. I shouldn’t say any of what I’m about to say - but it needs to be said at some point or other.

The way I see it, Tony? They gave me muscles. Sure. But as for being his magnum opus? He flipped a switch. It wasn’t your dad’s serum, just like your dad didn’t invent the casing, or all of the stuff that kept you alive until that element, or the stuff that got you out of that cave.

But that’s not even the important part. The only change I underwent was to make me stronger. That’s it. It didn’t change who I was at all.

You should never forget what you are without the suit, Tony. Your dad flipped a switch, and that’s all he did. Yes, he helped you, but if you hadn’t also helped yourself, you wouldn’t be here. Maybe he helped save your life, but as your biological father, he also _gave_ you life - yet you’re not here complaining you didn’t help knock up your mother, are you? This is a bizarre train of thought. Hopefully you can see what I’m getting at, though. I don’t tuck my shield in at night, give it a kiss, and thank Howard for making it. No offence to him, but I’m the one holding the thing up day-in, day out. Which leads me into saying, if it even needs to be said, that no, I was not his lover. That’s a horrifying thought for so many reasons.

Perhaps I’m biased. The thing I need to explain, Tony, is this - your father did many great things, and it would be perfectly valid to label him a great man. However, he and I were not without our disagreements. Politically, those times were not what they are today, and this millennium is a vast improvement. I remember wishing we didn’t have to fight at all. I still remember how nauseated I felt, the first time I had to sell weapons in the guise of bonds like they were some kind of magical key out of all of this. I would say these things to Howard, and do you know what he’d say?

“Some things never change.”

Now I’m here, and it seems like everything of that old world is gone. But there’s one constant - there’s always been a Stark man around to fix things and liven up the place. You want to know what’s so strange about it? From where I’m standing, it looks for all the world as though Howard Stark finally took all of my advice. That’s the way you are, and that’s what you’re doing. Show Howard someone who’d been shot with one of his guns, and he’d take a look at the entry wound then head back to the drawing board to refine it. I’m not saying he didn’t care, but it’s hard to argue that his work didn’t have pride of place.

That’s not you, at all. ~~I can’t help~~ ~~I know~~ You could never see something like that and not let it change who you were. ~~That’s what I~~ That’s one of the things I admire about you the most.

It’ll sound odd, but this whole new world and everything that’s different, and you sitting here in this shiny tower, acting like you run it - it kind of seems like you _do_. It kind of seems like Howard Stark finally listened, cleaned his act up, got himself together: and the world responded. I always knew there was the potential for something like this. This was how it could have been, I always said so. I know it’s _not_ you who changed the whole world by yourself, but you see how it sometimes feels like you did, to me?

Except that actually, the reality is so much more impressive than that. You’re not your dad, listening to my incessant whining. I never said a single word to you before you managed all this by yourself. Not only that, but you had to deal with him on your back the whole time growing up. Believe me, I can imagine him being an overbearing father. I know it must have been bad for you, and I don’t mean to sound insensitive in saying this, but resenting his lack of compassion has made you so compassionate in response.

You know what? I can’t say I know what he was chasing, but I do have a feeling about it. If your father really did view me as his magnum opus - something he created - then he was probably looking for something he could control. Everything had to be just-so, didn’t it? Better than the best. 

You’re kind of like him in that one sense. Strong-willed, fiery-spirited, stubborn as anything - the stubbornest man I know. You know why your dad could never be as proud of you as of his work?

Because you weren’t _him_. Because he couldn’t _turn_ you into him. Never could. And I’m glad he didn’t. I think the world just might be a better place because of it. Me? I’m just a soldier, following orders. It was Dr Erskine - and I credit him the most - who told me it was more important to be a good man than a good soldier, and that’s what you are.

And it may not mean anything for me to say so, and I probably don’t have the right to say it anyway, but I’m still proud of you, Tony, ever so.

I think I view you in a more mixed-up way than almost anything else in this century. As ever, I hope it won’t get in the way of our friendship. I know you don’t like talking about this, and you don’t have to reply. Just pretend you never got this. We can keep talking as normal.

 

Regards,

Steve.


	37. Chapter 37

**from:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** Business travel

Just an FYI: it looks like I'm heading out on another business trip. Need to head back to California to look in on the R&D lab there, do the meet-and-greet with some of the venture capitalists we've got on board, remind the Board of Directors that just because Pepper's CEO now doesn't mean I'm not paying attention. Terribly boring business things; I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't rather stay here and fight crime.

Pepper and I are going to be at my address in Malibu through the holidays. JARVIS can get you in touch if you need anything. I hope you won't feel too alone, but I think I owe Pep a couple of quiet weeks. She's still not that keen on the whole superhero gig. Not sure whether we'll be back in time for New Year's, but probably not much later than that.

Have a good Christmas, Steve.

Tony  
[sigblock]

 

 

_(The day Tony leaves New York, Steve finds a thrice-folded piece of paper on his desk, with no sign of how it got there. Tony's handwriting is predictably horrible, and gets worse with every line.)_

Dear Steve,

I know you thought I was going to let it pass, pretend it never happened. But I don't think I can. ~~I can't~~ I don't know how to respond, but you opened a vein for that letter, and I can't let you think you've bled to no purpose.

~~You say~~  You have never been just a soldier, Steve, and your muscles are the very least part of your worth. The serum made your body strong, but it's your compassion and your heart that make you a man worth following. I'm glad Dr. Erskine saw that in you.

 

I'm glad I finally do, too.

 

Happy Christmas,  
Tony


	38. Chapter 38

**from:** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** the email address is growing on me.

 

Dear Tony,

That sounds terrible. Have a great time. Say hello to Miss Potts from me.

I'll try my best to keep everyone in check here. Thor keeps mentioning the words "sacrifice" and "holiday" in alarming proximity, but my eyes are peeled. (And if I get overpowered, I'll at least be sure to wash out the blood stains before you get home.)

 

Merry Christmas.

-SR

 

* * *

 

 

Dear Tony,

I'm going to leave this in your mailbox. I want you to have it for when you get back, since I forgot it in my last letter.

It's just one last thing I forgot to mention out of all those things I should never have mentioned in the first place. I know this isn’t about me, not in the slightest, but in terms of what you’ve given me? I’m grateful to Howard, but I nearly lost everything I stood for when I gained what I thought I wanted. All I was good for was dressing up in costume. And when I woke up, everything I wanted was gone for good.

Since then, you’ve taken me in. He gave me a body. You gave me a home. He gave me strength. You gave me a family. He gave me speed - you gave me back a purpose to use it for. We’re all fighting together, now. I fought on his side, too. Back then - and even now, sometimes - it was too easy to forget that fighting wasn’t what I actually wanted. Dr Erskine told me the truth, when he said what I mentioned in that last letter. And you summed it up when you told me we’re not soldiers.

Yeah; I like the way you treat me better.

I can’t pretend to know what could have been, but I do know how it is now. And I’m glad you’re the one who found me in the ice, too.

 

Regards,

Steve


	39. Chapter 39

**from:** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** ?

 

Dear Tony,

What’s going on? I just saw your house on the news. Are you okay? You weren’t _in_ it, were you? I hope this isn't the first you’re hearing of this. Reply when you get this.

 

Regards,  
Steve

 

* * *

 

 **from:** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** Re: ?

 

Dear Tony,

What the hell is going on?! They’re saying Iron Man is flying around the wreckage of your house? This doesn’t sound like any business trip I’ve ever heard of. Let me know you’re alright.

 

Regards,  
Steve

 

* * *

 

 **from:**  starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **to:**  youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:**  Re: ?

 

Dear Tony,

They’re saying you’re dead.

I don’t believe it, but they’re still saying it. If you have any way of getting a message to us - I’m talking to SHIELD, I’ve emailed Pepper…

Please write back.

 

Steve

 

* * *

 

 **from:**  starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **to:**  youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:**  Re: ?

 

Dear Tony,

They’re saying you’re dead, and the first thing I thought was that you won’t get to read the letter that’s waiting for you.

It’s also one of the most selfish things I’ve ever thought.

I haven’t left my quarters all day - I didn’t know what to tell the others. Then I realized I hadn’t seen them so long because they don’t know what to say to _me_.

Oh God.

Please be okay. We really need you back here.

 

Steve

 

* * *

 

 **from:**  starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **to:**  youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:**  Re: ?

 

Dear Tony,

Don’t be gone. Please.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Companion (non-letter) piece to this: [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1845670/chapters/3974230).


	40. Hard to Text with Broken Screen. And fingers.

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

Did you... turn off the game. turn on the news. NOW.

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

Oh, c'mon, I'm finally winning the damn - all right, all right.

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

Holy Hell in a Handbasket. What? Did... crap.

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

I've downloaded SHIELD analysis of the Mandarin, copy Ten Rings, copy Jericho Missile Incident, copy Mark One

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

Got it. Heading out?

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

Steve is not going to take this well. I'm on Captain Control duty right now.

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

C'mon, Nat. I do not want to tromp around in Afghanistan by myself. it's HOT over there. 

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

Raaza's dead. This new leader, the Mandarin, we need to know more about him.

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

Check Stane's notes, wasn't he working with them?

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

yeah, yeah, I'm on it.

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

Can you handle Cap?

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

I'll send Bruce down, if need be. We don't need him running amok.

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

What if he's really?

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

Don't say that. Stark's tough. And smart. He's fine. He wouldn't have taunted a fucking terrorist without a plan.

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

Are we thinking of the same Stark here? The guy who won't even read off tiny cue cards?

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

Just get out there. 

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

I hate you, so much

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

I know. I'll miss him, too.

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

Am I looking for Stark, or revenge?

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

You'll know it when you see it.

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

Clint?

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

Sorry. Broke phone. need new.


	41. Chapter 41

****from:**** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 ** **to:**** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 ** **subject:**** NOT DEAD

Steve, god, I am so, _so_ sorry. There was this whole thing with the Mandarin (you saw that, right?) and Happy almost died and then they blew up my house. And I did _not die_ , I promise. But it was pretty close, and when I came to, the suit was completely depowered and I had no way to contact anyone for a while (except Pepper but she was kidnapped or she would have written you back, she's going to feel really bad for you when she's back on her feet) and then there was this thing with the President, and Killian deciding to channel his inner dragon...

Fuck, I don't know, it's all jumbled up in my head. I'm going to need to sit down and sort it out sometime, but this really isn't the time.

(I can feel the Captain America Is Disappointed frown already and I swear I wasn't on my own, I had help, I swear I did, Rhodey was right there. For most of it. Well, half of it. At least 20%. But it was the scariest 20%!)

I just _finally_ got back to a functioning SI mail server and saw your messages and. God. I really am sorry. We're in Florida now and we'll be back in New York soon, because I'm going to need my lab to help Pepper, and then-- Well, I'll tell you about the rest of it when we're back. The point is, we'll be back in New York in a day or two. Tell me what I can do to make this up to you.

I'm not dead.

Tony  
[sigblock]

P.S. In other news, Pepper broke up with me. No worries, she's a champ, still going to take care of SI for me and everything.


	42. Chapter 42

****from:**** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 ** **to:**** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 ** **subject:**** Re:NOT DEAD

 

Stark,

You are the bane of my life. Do you have any idea how worried we all were? When everything exploded? Literally everything exploded. I _swear_ , you take _two steps_ and something blows up. Do you really have to be this ostentatious?

I'm glad you're okay. This message alert was the best thing I've heard in a while. I've read your email a few times and I want to believe it's you. Quick - where did the name "sexmonster" come from?

I'm glad you're alright. I hope Pepper's alright. And Rhodey. And everyone. Except the ones who were trying to blow you all up.

I really need to sleep. My eyes are closing as I write this. I don't even know what I'm writing. I need to sleep.

Make it back to New York without anything else _blowing up_. That's what you can do for me.

Jesus, Stark.

Speak soon. Keep on not being dead.

 

-SR

P.S. What? That doesn't sound very "no worries"? Are you okay? Are you sure? You all got blown up a dozen times over - I'm sure you can talk it out? Not now, maybe, but...are you okay? We're talking about this. Soon. Goodnight. Or evening, or something.jjjjjjjjnnm,  m,     ///

P.P.S. I fell asleep on the keyboard for about two minutes and was wide awake again until I wrote this. See you soon.

 

* * *

 

Steve is totally okay. See [chapter 3](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1845670/chapters/3974230) of **RSVP** for more details on how okay he is.


	43. Chapter 43

****from:**** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 ** **to:**** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 ** **subject:**** Re: NOT DEAD

Questioning my identity despite the many layers of security and encryption? I approve. The origin of "sexmonster" is the weeklong orgy with which we celebrated your move-in. ( _Joking_ , I'm joking, it was Natasha's goddamn revenge virus please don't send someone to kill me.)

I'd say there was no reason for you to worry, except things were pretty dicey for a bit. I appreciate the worry. (You are totally lying. You and Bruce worried, yes. And Thor, maybe (is he even on the planet?) But Clint and Natasha just plotted bloody revenge. Or else they plotted how to take over SI with Pepper and I out of the way. Or both. No reason it couldn't be both.)

I'm slightly battered but mostly all right, Rhodey is about to have every damn medal _ever_ pinned to his chest, and Pepper... will be okay once I fix her. Killian and his goons, not so much. Yay, us.

Things blow up around me, and I walk away with cool new tech. That's how my life seems to go, Steve. Gonna have to get used to it if you want to keep me on the team. But I'll try to make the next few days pretty smooth.

Christ, why have you not been sleeping? Get some sleep, Steve. We'll talk about everything else later. I'll call the airfield and arrange a flight for tomorrow.

Tony  
[sigblock]


	44. Well, since you're not dead I guess I have to KILL YOU

(written with a sharpie, on the door to Tony's quarters)

Jesus christ, Stark

I am going to inject your ass with a goddamn tracking device, that's what I'm going to do. And the next time you decide to go missing for TWO WEEKS, you can explain to people why your goddamn ass is beeping.


	45. Chapter 45

****from:**** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 ** **to:**** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 ** **subject:**** Re: NOT DEAD

 

Dear Tony,

I guess you’ll check your email before anything else; I’ll send this here so you get it first. When you’re back from talking to Bruce, I mean.

It’s good to have you back, but I’m going to have to ban you from even _joking_ about orgies for this week. Seriously, now - you rest for a couple of days. You won’t have to lift a finger.

Well done; you just accused Captain America of lying. I’ll have you know Barton switched off his television for this: if he’d been plotting bloody takeover, don’t you think he could have marathoned America’s Next Top Model at the same time?

I won’t mention Pepper. You’re probably talking to Bruce about her now.

In fact, you should probably just get to bed. Don’t do anything else beforehand, that’s my recommendation. You shouldn’t even be reading this.

Errol’s doing fine, by the way. He’s learned to hop around pretty successfully. Clint wanted to let him ride on his arrows - I shouldn’t have told you that, should I? You’ll be all for it…no impaling my pets, okay?

Anyway, you relax for a while. If you’re good, we’ll bring you soup.

 

Regards,  
Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony's actual homecoming was shown in [this RSVP side-story](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1845670/chapters/3983329).


	46. Don't Pick

(security video from Stark Towers: 7:01 Floor 90, Quarters, Anthony Stark)

(transcription to follow video feed)

Captain Steve Rogers has part of his hand down in Stark's custom-installed mailbox. He's really not small enough anymore for that sort of task, but it doesn't seem to stop him from trying to reach something that's down at the bottom of the box.

Natasha wanders by, her hand by her ear as she talks to Security.

Absently, she slaps Captain Rogers's arm as she walks by. She keeps on walking, without looking at Captain Rogers.

**Transcription:**

Just leave it, Rogers. You're upsetting Jarvis.

Yes, sir, problem is just a glitch with Stark's mail system. Turn off the alarm.

**Transcription ends:**

**Purge Security Feed? Y/N**


	47. Chapter 47

**from:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** No time for Zs

 

Why are you nagging me to sleep? I've slept. You, on the other hand, not so much, according to Bruce. You go take a nap; I have work to do. I have to get Pepper stabilized, because I just got done rebuilding my tower and I am not excited about having to do it again.

Yes, I accused you of lying. I know better than to buy into your hype, sassmonster. You lied to get into the Army in the first place, you are a _total lying liar_ when it suits your purpose, and I can only be grateful that you are one of the good guys. Usually. Except when you're stealing the last slice of pizza.

Clint would _totally_ plot bloody revenge while watching _America's Top Model_ , you're right. Though it'd be Natasha doing the corporate takeover, because she was Pepper's PA for a while and probably already has all her plans in place. She could probably trigger them without even leaving her room.

I'm pretty sure an owl on the arrows would throw off the balance and the spin, but hell, Clint's the expert, whatever. I made some interesting progress on building him some feathers while I was in Malibu, actually, but all the prototypes got blown up with the house. I'll have to start over on that once I'm done making sure Pepper won't vaporize anything by accident. I have got a _lot_ of work to do, wow.

 

Go take a nap, old man.

 

Tony


	48. Chapter 48

**from:**  starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **to:**  youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:**   Re: No time for Zs

 

Dear Tony,

I didn’t have Bruce pegged as a tattletale. I’ll have to watch what I say around him. And I’ve slept fine _now_ , thanks, now that this major terrorist threat is out of action. I’m just happy I could do _so_ much to help with that.

Alright - you got me. I’m a total lying scoundrel. But I have _never_ stolen the last slice of pizza - and that’s the truth. Don’t place the blame on me just because you’re greedy.

I can’t even pretend to be worried about the idea of Natasha and Pepper taking over. They’d do a wonderful job, I’m sure.

He wasn’t planning target practice with the owl in tow, don’t worry. At least, I hope not. He just wanted to give him a little ride. I mean, I hope he was joking. I’m in a near-permanent state of hoping Clint was joking.

Vaporize things. By accident? Yes, focus on fixing that. Let me know how it’s progressing.

 

I’m sorry; I didn’t catch that last part. Must be going deaf in my old age.

 

Regards,

Steve


	49. Chapter 49

**from:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** Lying and sassing

Bruce didn't tattle so much as confirm what those dark circles under your eyes had already told me.

Fury didn't have you prepping to suit up with the Mandarin's first attack? I'm shocked. Now I want to know what team he had on it, if not you . There had to be at least one. Maybe I'll look into that.

You _totally_ took the last slice of pizza that first time you came over. Bruce had already gone back down to the lab and I took the next-to-last slice, and then I turned around and it was all gone. I even said something about it the next day.

Bruce didn't fill you in on the whole Extremis thing? Ask him; I gave him the rundown and he's better than me at explaining science things. I'm making good progress on getting Pepper stabilized, actually, the latest push was this morning and is at least 72% less volatile than the original infection. It's my top priority; I'm sure she's pretty anxious to decamp back to California. And I might have something cooking in the fabrication unit for Errol.

You are _such_ a sassmonster. It makes me wonder what other less-than-wholesome quirks you're hiding.

Tony


	50. Chapter 50

**from:**  starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **to:**  youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:**   Re: Lying and sassing

 

Dear Tony,

Ah, of course. You were just using your masterful powers of observation. How about unleashing them on the upper portion of the tower? You’ve been down there an awful long time. What’s going on? Must be better than 72% by now? Keep us in the loop, partner. Communication is the cornerstone of teamwork. Don’t make me leave a huge pile of letters in your mailbox.

Actually, I now know first-hand that Bruce is a tattletale. I’ve actually had conversations with him myself over the past few days too, you know, and I know only too well I’ve come up as a topic down there. “That muscle-bound infant in tights”? You flatterer. (Okay, that _is_ all he told me.)

Fury never tells me anything these days. I’m starting to get tired of it, to be honest. Still, he’s not actually doing anything wrong - he gets the job done, so I guess we have to trust him. Everyone’s limbs are intact, right?

I totally _did not_ take the…

 

Clint.

 

I bet you twenty bucks it was Clint.

Who is forgiven either way, for helping me attach these prototype wings. Errol glided a few feet yesterday! It’s still early days, but there’s _at least_ a 3% chance you’re a genius. Thank you.

Quirks? Not me. I am as deliciously pure and wholesome as all-American apple pie.

 

Regards,

Steve

 

P.S. Come on up and give me the $20 you owe me any time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Muscle-bound infant in tights” lifted directly from comic canon because Tony totally has the best lines


	51. Chapter 51

**from:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** Your apples

Almost there with Extremis. I think. The closer I get, the harder it gets to unravel. And I've got a little project in the works for Clint now, too. Don't tell him, though. It's a surprise. Maybe. If it works.

Are there letters in the mailbox? I thought you were getting pretty comfy with the email. Haven't checked the mailbox since the day I got back.

In my defense, you totally deserved the "muscle-bound infant in tights" line at the time. Don't remember why, but I'm sure you did.

Trust Fury? Oh, Steve, how you disappoint me.

Holy shit, how did I not realize it was Clint stealing the damn pizza? They were spying on us nonstop at the time.

Get your $20 from Clint, Captain Sass; he probably owes us that much in pizza alone.

I am 100% prepared to believe that you are delicious. But "pure" and "wholesome"? _Not so much_ , sexmonster. (Seriously, I think I got protein shake in my _brain pan_. I should know better than to read your emails when I'm having lunch.)

Tony


	52. Ok, even Banana Peppers. god

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

Come up here and get your pizza, Stark.

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

Yes, it has those banana peppers on it.

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

Don't make me throw it out.

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

Don't make me come down and get you. Really. Don't.


	53. Chapter 53

**from:**  starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **to:**  youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** my apples?!

 

Dear Tony,

A surprise for Clint? Curiouser and curiouser.

No letters at the moment. Is that going to be what tempts you back upstairs? We’d love to say it’s great to have you back, but the latter part’s not quite true yet…

Oh, so you have checked your mail since getting back?

I’m sure I did deserve it; it’s quite an accurate description, even at the best of times.

And why on earth shouldn’t I trust Fury? We’ve had our setbacks with him, sure, but it always seems to be him up against a huge row of nameless and faceless officials. He’s a good guy deep down - I just have a gut feeling about it.

By the way, I confronted Clint about the pizza in passing. You will not _believe_ what happened next.

He said “Alright, have it, if you want it so bad.” And handed me this slice of pepperoni from nowhere. I didn’t even know anyone had ordered pizza?! We’re clearly not the sole victims here.

I mean, seriously, I said “Barton, have you been taking pizza?” 

And yes. He had. Right at that very time I happened to ask him. I take back calling you greedy; it’s all relative. (We even got banana pepper the other night. You're missing out.)

I don’t really know what to say to that last part. I never said I was delicious, so no jokes about that, Stark. It was an _adverb._ And - are they playing with the virus again? You meant “sass” there, right..? I mean, regarding the “pure” thing. I mean, you’d know I haven’t brought anyone back to my room - it’s your tower. Well, actually, you shouldn’t know. Though it is the case. That I haven’t. I mean, it’s not like you have surveillance cameras up. rRight? Stark, if there are cameras in my room, I’m moving out. That’s an infringement of privayc.

 

* * *

 

**from:**  starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **to:**  youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** Re:my apples?!

 

Dear Tony,

I hit ‘send’ before I was done editing. You can go ahead and ignore most of that message.

-SR

 


	54. Chapter 54

****from:**** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 ** **to:**** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 ** **subject:**** Um, no

 

I'll come back upstairs eventually. If nothing else, I think Natasha made JARVIS put a halt on my grocery deliveries, so there's always starving me out. It's a novel approach, I must admit.

I should be surprised by the thing about Clint and the pizza, but... I'm really not. Maybe it's his secret mutant ability. (And yes, I know you had banana pepper pizza the other evening. Natasha texted me about it, and I'm pretty sure Clint left a slice in the vents over my workbench. Am I some kind of feral cat now?)

I'm not saying Fury's one of the bad guys, Steve. I'm saying that, unlike you, he will use _any and every_ method at his disposal to achieve his aims. The ends justifies the means, and all that. It's a useful outlook in his line of work, but you need to be wary. He's so focused on the big picture that he can't let himself worry about the smaller details.

I want to be offended that you'd think I would pry into your privacy, sexual or otherwise, but you're working for SHIELD and we live with two spy/assassins, so I'm going to chalk that up to an occupational hazard on your part.

There are, in fact, several varieties of sensor in nearly every room of the Tower. The public parts of the building offer a video feed into the Security office. If you want to verify that it's only the public spaces, you're welcome to drop by the Sec office any time. The private areas have infrared scanners, motion detectors, and microphones; those all feed directly into JARVIS' central server and allow him to respond to queries and, more importantly, provide unobtrusive security service. There's some extremely tight programming that prevents him from sharing those feeds without due cause -- and "due cause" is absolutely _not_ "Tony is bored; let's see if anyone is getting any action around here."

You're welcome to bring your dates back to your room and get up to whatever shenannigans float your boats. As long as no one is carrying an armed bomb or suffering a major medical emergency, your privacy is 100% assured. At least it is with me. I make no promises for our pizza-loving ventcrawler, but you'll have to take that up with him.

And yes, of course I meant "sassmonster." I don't know how "sexmonster" happened; maybe the spellcheck thought I was trying to type your account name.

(And how can you need that much editing? When you hand-write, it's practically perfect. Maybe you should go back to that if your typing is that SoC and unedited.)

 

Tony


	55. Maybe a Pulley system of some sort, I don't know, do I look like a genius? Don't answer that.

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

Just clean up the pizza, you know he's not going to eat it now.

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

jeez, well, I'll eat it. It's only 2 days old. Maybe I need to lower it down to his desk or something.

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

He's not a stray puppy, you're not going to catch him in a crate and take him home

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

Well, somebody ought to. He looks awful. Like Hulk-smashed-Loki awful

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

He's out of the room! 

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

He's in the elevator

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

JARVIS, disable security protocols 918.b, override code delta-niner-stark-supernanny-protocols

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

Christ, I can't climb and type at the same time, Nat!

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

he's headed for the 90th floor.

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

Yeah, yeah, stick the door a minute, I'm getting a cramp in my hand. Need bigger buttons on this damn phone.

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

Opening doors now.

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

Stark's trying to sneak. This is super weird.

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

Can I jump out and yell boo at him? I'll vine it for you.

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

Tempting, but no.

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

...

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

...

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

He's checking the damn mailbox like he's me, expecting a coffee shipment.

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

I may have to get further involved. Damn.

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

You know I have no idea what you're talking about, right?

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

Right?

(555) 351-6969 (Barton)

Are you laughing at me?

(555) 351-1964 (Romanov)

I'm laughing near you.


	56. Chapter 56

**from:**  starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **to:**  youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** good

 

Dear Tony,

Well, that’s reassuring, at least. I haven’t been bringing anyone into my room. There isn’t anyone I _could_ be bringing into my room, anyway. Still, I don’t want anyone spying on my room. You don’t really think they use the _vents_? That’s disturbing.

SoC? Googling it. What can I say? Old habits die hard, and writing by hand is one of them. I plan to return to it ASAP…

Okay, Urban Dictionary isn’t helping me, and Wikipedia isn’t making sense either. Writing by hand is…

 

•[Scottish Ornithologists' Club](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scottish_Ornithologists%27_Club)

•[Scouts of China](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scouts_of_China)

•[Serbian Orthodox Church](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serbian_Orthodox_Church)

•Société des Ornithologistes du Canada, French name of the [Society of Canadian Ornithologists](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Society_of_Canadian_Ornithologists)

•[Society of Cartographers](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Society_of_Cartographers), United Kingdom

•[Society of Operating Cameramen](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Society_of_Operating_Cameramen), the original name for the Society of Camera Operators

•[Special Olympics Canada](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special_Olympics_Canada)

•[Syrian Opposition Coalition](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syrian_Opposition_Coalition), better known as the _National Coalition_

 

???

I feel slow. Anyway - dinner time. It’s Greek tonight - no idea if that’ll tempt you. None for you, I guess, Mr Feral Cat.

 

Regards,  
Steve


	57. Chapter 57

****from:**** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 ** **to:**** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 ** **subject:**** sorry

 

Sorry, I'm sorry you had to see that. Fuck. That was the most humiliating...

Thanks for putting up with my epic failure to hold it together like a damn adult. Are you packing your things and moving out yet? Seriously, I wouldn't want to live with me any more, either. Fuck.

I know, _I know_ you've been trying to drag me out of the workshop for a couple of weeks now, but after last night, I don't... Give me a little more time, okay? Apparently, there was still a scrap of shame buried in me, because I'm too mortified to see anyone's face.

 

T.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Event to which Tony is referring is shown in [this RSVP side-story](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1845670/chapters/3997461).


	58. Chapter 58

**from:** starspangledsexmonster@starkindustries.com  
 **to:** youknowwhoiam@starkindustries.com  
 **subject:** don’t be sorry, you idiot

 

It’s fine. Stop saying sorry, Stark; it’s highly unnerving.

I’m glad I saw it. I spoke to JARVIS, briefly, and this sort of thing is completely normal and understandable. Honestly, I’m a little amazed you’re still standing after all you’ve been through, in case I hadn’t already made that clear.

Of course I’m not moving out, and of course I still want to live here with you. Not sure what it’s going to take to convince you we care about you, Stark, but we’re sure as heck not leaving before then. Just watch the potty mouth, right?

Alright, but I insist you talk to someone about this. Me if you like, but it definitely doesn’t have to be me. Apparently I did the wrong thing, asking if you were okay, Mr “Hey, let’s run in through the front door, guns blazing”, Captain On-The-Nose, Señor Red, White, and Black and White, Herr “What do you mean I can’t shout at it until it goes away”…

…You get the picture. I’m sorry for being confrontational. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to avoid triggering anything, even if it is just backing off for once.

Also, why not work downstairs, sleep in your bed? For a genius, you’re kind of dumb at times. Don’t come crawling to me when you totally paralyse yourself with a crippling crick in the neck. I’ll even buy Barton et al off with pizza if they promise not to bother you on the stairs, okay? Hell, I’ll even distract them by dancing or something, and let Thor vine it. (I’m still not really sure what vining is, but Thor of all people seems to love it? They try to get me to say “son, don’t” into their phones on a weekly basis…

Don’t worry about anything your body isn’t putting you into a hostage situation about. As for that - we’ll work on it.

 

Regards,

Steve

 

[(Here's the stuff that didn't happen on paper - Chapter 5 of RSVP)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1845670/chapters/3997461)


	59. Chapter 59

_(This letter arrives on Steve's desk in the same mysterious manner the[previous paper letter](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1830988/chapters/3971743) did; the paper itself is graph paper and is not in the best shape. Tony's handwriting continues to be terrible.)_

 

Steve,

I tried to write an email, but the words wouldn't come out. So I'm going to try this your way. Let's see if it's any better.

I had to dig all the way to the back of an old toolbox to find actual paper to write on. I may have strained something.

If I'm not allowed to say I'm sorry, then I suppose I have to tip to "Thank you." It's comforting to know that you tried, ~~even if you did the wrong thing~~. Gotta stop beating yourself up for that, Steve. I know they had PTSD in your time (called it something different, of course), but they're really only now beginning to understand the best ways to handle it. You'll do what you always do: learn and grow.

You may not be a genius, but the way you soak up information is fascinating and wonderful.

JARVIS has a relatively comprehensive list of known triggers. I'm giving him permission to share it with you.

I'd rather you didn't share any of that with anyone else, though. If the spies already know about it, they're pretending they don't, which is good enough for me.

~~How do I talk about~~ ~~I don't know what to~~ Talking and therapy feel like a waste. I already know what's happened to me. What good does it do to dwell on the past? It can't be changed. If there was a way to take any of it back, I'd already have done it. I have to live with the innocents I've hurt, the people who've died for me, the loved ones who've left.

I've been clinically dead twice, did you know that?

The first time was in Afghanistan, before Yinsen put an electromagnet in my chest and restarted my heart. The last thing I saw before I passed out was the sun in a cloudless sky.

The second time was in ~~New Y~~ our first battle, and my last sight was the Chitauri mothership engulfed in fire. It looked like a sun, and my last thought was that at least the sky wasn't blue, but full of stars -- more numerous than all the grains of sand in Afghanistan.

I don't know what that means, Steve. But I don't think a therapist would, either.

So if I'm just talking and not getting any answers, then it will be like this. On paper. To you, and no one else. If you'll have me.

Tony


	60. Chapter 60

Dear Tony,

 

I hope this means you’re back to your room for good. It’s where I’m dropping these off, after all.

Thank you for writing this down. It’s nice to have something to physically hold onto while I read this.

Once again, I’m enormously glad to be in an era of changing attitudes, and that it’s not just me against the world telling you you’re going to be okay. And that you are okay, damn it. This is normal, and workable.

Well, thank you, Tony. I just do what I can and try to do what’s best. (“May not be a genius”? You mean there’s hope for me, yet? Or should I accept the backhanded compliment and run?)

Understood. Thank you again. (You know, I just had a thought for where we could hide things we don’t want them getting at? The last place they’d ever look - an _empty_ pizza box.)

 

Sorry for that huge smudge right above this - my pen is on the fritz. I think about half of it came out at once. I’ll keep writing this once I’ve ~~lost~~ washed my hands.

All clean. What is this - have I been getting used to emailing? Unthinkable.

Well, I’m no therapist, so all I can offer is exactly the same as what I’ve given so far, and hope to God it helps a little.

Hey, you have a better survival rate than me. I’ll try not to get so worked up next time it looks like you’re dying; you’re a fighter, Stark.

And I guess this is better than therapy in this one tiny respect, because I sure as hell know what it means - it means you’re here to stay. Hey, maybe you just can’t stand the thought of seeing all those stars and solar systems and galaxies and whatnot up there, and not being able to do anything to protect them any longer.

I’ll more than take that; I’ll give you the paper.

 

Steve


	61. Chapter 61

Steve,

Hope you like the new mailbox. If I'm going to do this paper thing, we should do it right.

Backhanded compliment? I call you wonderful and fascinating, and that's a backhanded compliment, just because you're not also verifiably a genius? If you're fishing for even more compliments, you'll need to be a little less obvious, Rogers.

Pretty sure Clint would still check the empty pizza boxes to make sure they were really empty. And that Natasha would throw them away. Back to the drawing board there.

I'm taking up hand writing and you're getting used to email. Maybe we should call Strange and make sure we haven't been bodyswapped? ~~Well, no, because~~

Probably less than I want to protect all those stars and galaxies, and more that I'm terrifyingly aware of how much is out there that I'll need to protect Earth from. Fury was right about the universe being even stranger than we'd already thought. There's a lot of work ahead of us, Steve. I just don't know if we can handle it all.

Talked to Pepper today. Just a business call, but it was smoother than I expected. I know you were worried about that, about us. You shouldn't be. It still hurts, knowing how much I failed her. (Don't argue with me on this, Steve, I really did.) But it feels like the right thing. She loved me. Still loves me, maybe. But she can't love Iron Man, and I can't not be Iron Man, not even for her. It's a choice I made. I just didn't realized I'd made it until she told me. So don't worry about me on that front. Or her, either; she's resilient. 

I got some of my own paper. I know you offered yours, but somehow it didn't feel right.

Tony


	62. Chapter 62

Dear Tony,

 

The mailbox is great. But if we’re doing letters, I should be doing it proper, too. I’ve been signing off like I had no upbringing.

Well, alright. But people who are wonderful, fascinating, _and_ verifiable geniuses are still in the lead.

So much for that. (I did say I couldn’t even be relied on for jokes, didn’t I?) To be honest, I really do think they’ve finally bored of us. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

Yeah, I really like to think we’d notice a body swap, Stark. Is that the sort of thing that can happen? If so, pact: I won’t touch your facial hair, and you - _no_ streaking. _Anywhere._

Of course we can handle it, Tony. We have a Hulk, remember? And a Norse God. ~~And~~ and the rest of us, too, if we match up to that. Besides, protecting us and protecting them - doesn’t that amount to the same thing, in the end?

If you need any more ~~pe~~ paper; you know where to come.

 

Yours sincerely,

Steve Rogers


	63. Chapter 63

Steve,

You're so adorable with your proper manners, there. It's just me, you know, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even notice.

I'm trying to figure out if that "wonderful, fascinating, and genius" comment was you trying to flirt, or trying to get me to set you up with Bruce. Either way: good job, tiger! We'll drag you into the 21st century yet!

I don't know that they're bored so much as "plotting our inevitable downfall".

My... facial hair? Streaking? Rogers, just how much time did you spend thinking about a possible bodyswap situation, here? (It's not possible with science. I make no promises about those magic assholes, though. They break all the damn rules just to piss me off.) But seriously, my facial hair? Are you threatening to fondle it, or shave it off? And streaking? No class at all. ~~If I had your body I'd~~ I probably shouldn't go there if I want my nose to remain unbroken.

Sincerely? Really, that's all I get?  Look, I googled it, it says:  “Yours sincerely (for invitations and friendly but not intimate letters)” I'm hurt, Steve, really.

What's for dinner tomorrow? I might be persuaded to pry myself out of the workshop if there's Indian...

Tony


	64. Chapter 64

Dear Tony,

 

Still - it’s a matter of principle.

Sorry to be the one to break it to you, Stark, but there were fellas who did a hell of a lot more than just flirt with other fellas even back in my day.

Don’t worry yourself - I meant shaving it off. How does it not bother you? Does it not get in the way? I guess it’s all just part of your image. And by the way, the very basest foundation of _my_ public image is keeping my clothes on in public, so; everyone needs to know that ground rule prior to any bodyswapping incidents (especially the ones most likely to misbehave).

Don’t strain yourself thinking about magic, Tony. You know what ~~ther~~ they say - it’s just science we don’t understand yet. For the love of god, don’t take that as a personal challenge. You should really try to sleep at night - you’ve got almost everyone convinced you’re more than human, but sadly, you do still need to refuel. Even if it’s _not_ Indian. (But it is, tonight, so come on up.) I hope ~~you’re~~ your bed’s looking a little more used by now?

Errol is flying swimmingly. He’s having the time of his life, and it’s great to see. He reminds me even more of you now he’s airborne. Any word on Clint’s surprise? It’s wonderful that you’re inventing gifts for us all like this, but just your presence in the team is more than enough.

Oh, “yours sincerely” isn’t for intimate letters? Is that what this is, then? Do I need to start beating you at your own game? Is it my turn to make lewd remarks about shirt sizes? Should I be whispering sweet nothings onto the page? Am I meant to lean in close and breathe in your ear, “Get your butt upstairs and eat some food before you pass out, you brat”?

See you later, Tony.

 

Yours,  
Steve


	65. Chapter 65

Steve,

Remind me not to ever play poker with you. You're always so adorably awkward when the fans try to hit on you, but then you pull this out of your sleeve? I didn't even think you knew how to flirt, and here you are calling every single one of my bluffs and then upping the ante with a tease? That was truly magnificent, I must say. Nagging has never been hotter; were you trying to make me develop a new kink? God. 

~~I'm so tem~~   ~~I don't think I~~ ~~If I answer the~~

I don't even know how to respond. Congratulations, you have found a way to render me speechless. I'm just going to respond to the parts of your letter that were  _not_ apparently written by your sexmonster alter ego, because the alternative would probably be disastrous.

Pretty sure Strange would disagree with you about magic. But Thor agrees, strangely enough. I'm just going to stick with machines and computers, thanks, and let the mages (ugh) argue it out.

I've been sleeping! Some. At least four hours a night. Well, I'm in the bed for at least four hours a night. Sleep itself is still elusive sometimes, but I'm working on it.

Clint'll get his surprise tomorrow, probably. Don't tell him anything, though.

Glad Errol's adjusting to his new feathers well. Let me know if any of them get damaged.

I'll be up for dinner. I might even be persuaded to stick around to watch a movie afterward.

Tony


	66. Chapter 66

Clint,

Need you to run some tests on the enclosed and fill in the attached quality results chart. If there's a significant delta in efficiency or maneuverability, I can kick this into production.

Tony.

_(Attached to a bundle containing a set of 4 arrow shafts, fletched with feathers that seem to be related to the feathers Tony built for Errol. An instruction sheet within describes how the fletchings can be remotely adjusted to_ _change rotation and curve of the arrows, even while in flight._ )

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow us all on tumblr: [Steve](http://scribblywobblytimeylimey.tumblr.com), [Tony](http://everyworldneedslove.tumblr.com), and [Nat/Clint](http://tisfan.tumblr.com).  
>   
> Fan art commissioned by tisfan from the talented Monika at [Tangent Artists](http://www.tangentartists.com)! (Please do not share this art without also including the credit.)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [RSVP](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1845670) by [27dragons](https://archiveofourown.org/users/27dragons/pseuds/27dragons), [scribblywobblytimeylimey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scribblywobblytimeylimey/pseuds/scribblywobblytimeylimey), [tisfan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tisfan/pseuds/tisfan)




End file.
